I'll take one of each Mr. Bartender Man

August 22, 2011

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Drinkers

Bookstores are full of self-help books, and the web is replete with various tips, advice, and lists for improving one's life. Google 'ways to lose weight' or 'how can I tell if my relationship is working' and pray that you're operating a Pentium 4 or better. Despite the fact the first thing anyone should do to help themselves is never fucking buy a self-help book, the irony seems lost on the massive masses.

I read on the internet that I can eat anything I want as long as it's not seafood!

All of these lists, tools, questionnaires, advice, and tips are designed to improve your emotional, spiritual, mental, or physical health. This list will promote none of those things if one applies a strict constriction of their meaning.

This baby's chi is intact. He is one with the universe. He is heading for foster care.

This list will however allow you to get drunk as often as possible, with as few consequences as possible. If that's not wellbeing and success, I'd prefer failure.

7. They eat fruits and vegetables on occasion.

Nobody ever downs 6 tall cans of Old Milwaukee and starts thinking of that head of cauliflower in the fridge. I've yet to see a late night veggie stand nestled between the burrito and pizza shacks in any downtown bar district.

I wish this were bell peppers and chives. Also, that I got the respect here that I do in Germany.

Nevertheless, as fun as it is, drinking takes its toll on the body and nutrients are key. To avoid looking like shit all the time, make sure you get some in your diet at least once a week. Remember, that hangover will do enough damage to your appearance. Taper it with some vitamin alphabet. If you eat somewhat well, you'll look and feel much better. And most importantly, you'll be able to go out and giver again!

6. They pick their class schedule wisely.

What would seem like a no brainer is surprisingly lost on every dumb fuck who tells himself that 8:30 lab 'won't be too bad'. Class is a place to be distracted by facebook, fantasy football and, not by that pounding headache and your stomach's re-enactment of the civil war. Some people don't have the option, their program requires certain courses that are only offered early in the morning on Friday or Monday (see Football gives back). The solution is simple, switch programs.

Modern antiquity!

Build your schedule around your school's party nights. Schedule Thursday mornings free if you know that Wednesday night is $2 Jagerbombs, as Thursday morning is recovery time. The three day weekend is also a thing of beauty. Take Fridays off as much as you can.

I need to get out of last night's clothes. Also, I wonder how early the clinic opens.

If you're concerned that you can't transfer any further down from 'Communications' without going straight back to high school, you can always skip early classes, get the notes off someone else, plagiarize assignments, cheat on tests, or drop out.

5. They get their puking phase out of their system relatively early.

Accomplished largely through sheer practice, learning to hold your liquor is essential to any drinking career. People who are hammered are hilarious. People who puke are a messy fucking nuisance.

Superman's a lush.

Broadly defined, the puking stage is the high school years with sporadic relapses throughout college. The social acceptability of puking works on a sliding scale as the number of credits needed for graduation declines. Freshman year puking is a time-honoured right of passage. Senior year puking is hilarious if done at culturally-condoned events like St. Patrick's Day, New Year's Eve, or weekends. Puking at 25 years of age should be reserved for eating bad seafood or listening to Celine Dion. The couthness- that's right- of being thrown in the drunk tank mirrors these same guidelines.

You have 4 years -or more if you're Nolander- to learn that Tequila after MGD fucks you up, or that McDonald's after Guinness will have you pulling trigger in the nearest flower bed. On the plus side, even exceeding your limits is hella fun for 3/4 of the night.

The gods have forsaken me, I have puke in all twenty sandal straps and my mouth will taste like vomit for days since we don't have toothbrushes, but the predrink was fun!

4. They quickly get out of their drunktalk commitments.

Drunktalk is a catchall phrase for things that you say drunk that you either don't mean or would never say sober. One particularly insidious form of drunktalk is 'the commitment'. This is a vow to attend some event or take part in some activity. While the intent at the time is perfectly legitimate, any rational observer could spot the unlikeliness of following through on those plans.

Bro, we'll totally go fucking sky-diving next week bro. Bro!

These false or regrettable commitments come in three main types:

1. Things you'd rather not do but you don't want to look like a jack-ass and back out because that would reveal that your camaraderie was an insincere alcohol-induced sham. This would involve things like going to a party across town where you'll barely know anyone or agreeing to play golf with your girlfriend's teenaged cousin.

Judging by the song, it's someone named Brian's birthday. Could also be Ryan. Damn drunktalk.

If you can get out of this commitment early, then do so. Early is the key here: a valid- or at least plausible - excuse delivered sometime before lunch the morning after the drunktalk and you can get out of this commitment without losing face. If not, it's no big deal, because what you have to endure is pretty mild in the grand scheme of life.

Why did I agree to help Todd put a new 'system' in his Civic?

2. Things you can't actually do. If you'll be out of the country, gone to a wedding or suffering through a herpes outbreak, there are certain promises that you actually can not keep. These are tricky because you're going to have to get out of your drunktalk one way or another. Using the real reason is honest and effective. It also reveals the fact that you were shittered out of your tree to have forgotten about something that a teetotaler would never have let slip his mind. This casts a shroud of suspicion on everything you said that night.

You said that was NOT unattractive.

Like HIV, the best treatment for these drunktalks is prevention in the first place. However, since you have no choice, you either start working on a palatable excuse early on, or you come clean that you were three sheets to the wind on a plan that's a day late and a buck short.

3. Things you agree to that are such obvious bullshit that no-one expects anyone involved to follow through. No worries here. As a matter of fact, delivered as they are with such gusto and resolve these promises are some of the funniest to mock the next day. Often made when liquor is involved, these solemn vows are often sealed with a hug or handshake. Typical examples include making breakfast the next day, going to the beach in 100 degree weather, taking the next flight at 3am to Japan, or getting matching tattoos. The promisor will often not remember this pledge, and will often need a subtle prompting-  or merciless mockery- to jar their hangover-addled minds. 99% of people will laugh off and dismiss promises made in this state. However, it has been used by unscrupulous girlfriends to extract untold commitments from poor dupes.

You get my drift.

Avoid drunktalk. Get out of drunktalk early. Avoid drunktalk.

3. They can generally appreciate when they're truly shit-faced.

This is huge. Everyone has been an idiot while drunk at one point or another.

Some made a decade out of it.

What separates the successful drinker from the emergency room regular is knowing when you're truly shit-faced and the inherent shortcomings of that state of mind. It's one thing to be pretty sure you can surf a shopping cart down a hill, it's another to go ahead and do it despite your friends' emphatic protestation. It's not really about what you think, because being hammered changes the way you think. 12 Natty Ice, 7 Bacardi bombs and 2 shots of Cuervo will make that towering juice monkey bouncer guarding the club's door look like Tiny Tim.

Can I see some ID?

It doesn't mean that in the real world, the one the bouncer lives in, he won't mop the floor with your staggering mouthpiece-ass. It really comes down to listening to your friends. If a majority of them are also super greased and STILL think what you're about to do it a bad idea, listen to them. You'll seldom regret the 3am phone call to your ex that you didn't make.

2. They wear condoms. Every time. Most of the time.


1. They spend their sober time efficiently.

Without a doubt the most important attribute of a successful drinker is that they spend their sober time productively. If you forget to pay your gas bill or study for your exam, then yeah, maybe drinking isn't for you. Thoroughbred beauties know it's all about balance. The only difference between spending hours on G-chat while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer dvd's and having a mint time at the bar is that one makes you a lonely gay troll and the other makes you a normal human who has friends and fun. People love to look down on 'party-animals' and make lots of assumptions about how smart they are or what kind of person they must be.

"No I can't go out, I have real things to do. I can't WASTE my time drinking"-dripping with smug.

"Fuck you bitch, we just aced our MCATs!"-unlikely.

The truth is, unless you know somebody, you can't just assume that because they like to throw back some coldies that they're degenerates (although to be fair, it's not like the two are mutually exclusive either). It's all about how you spend the time you're not drinking. You may not have drank last Friday, but to claim you were "working on some shit for school" is easily disproven with one quick look at your internet history- by the way, "furries fetish" is downright gross you sick fuck! So in response to all the haters, remember, as long as you do what you need to get done and still do as well as them, it's those preens that are missing out. What you can do with one arm-or half your brain- tied behind your back takes those sanctimonious dinks' full effort. The successful drinker sees the irony of their mockery and knocks it back with a splash of salt and a lemon wedge.

Get lots done, get lots drunk!

Assuming your fridge is currently flush with beer, you're now fully equipped to drink like a champ.


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