I'll take one of each Mr. Bartender Man

August 12, 2011

Football Gives Back

After months of grandstanding, showmanship, and both sides disingenuously claiming to be fighting ‘for the fans’, we can all breathe easy now that the NFL season is sure to take place. It’s a good time to reflect on a few things. First of all, every horseshit platitude about it being ‘for the fans’ was just that; everybody knows it was about which side wanted more of the revenue pie, as it was so obnoxiously referred.

Mmm I can’t tell if it’s cherry or greed.

Secondly, we will have fantasy football again. Fantasy football combined with real football all but guarantees that men don't have to speak to their wives or girlfriends all day Sunday. More on fantasy football later.

Thirdly, and most importantly, it allows us to fully appreciate how important the NFL is to drinking and how closely the two are intertwined. Specifically, the NFL is to hangover what chicken wings are to hunger (if the SAT analogies had been this straightforward, Nolander might have scored above 1200). The parade of beer commercials that roll through an NFL telecast are just as much of a wink-wink acknowledgement to the viewer that they over-endulged- according to Officer Jones and his pissing in public ticket-  as they are an advertising pitch. Everybody is in on it. I'm pretty sure that Phil Simms is hungover as shit during telecasts, his nonsense doesn't make sense any other way.

There is no better place to be while a hangover goes Genghis Khan on your brain than on a couch. Since the invention of flat-screens and the fact that instant replay has mandated virtually every inch and angle is covered, watching football on the couch is the best way to experience it. (This is probably the only sport for which that can be said) Marry the two and you have a better combination than peanut butter and jelly, ketchup and mustard, or hookers and blow.

While the beer industry is certainly on board (I want to go to parties where everyone's attractive and the girls like football!) let's not forget the food industry.

Better go with mild, you're probably already suffering from the beer shits.

Unless you've completely lost your appetite due to a Boris Yelstin-type hangover, greasy good is probably the only kind of food that you could consider. 

No fucking thanks

Plus, there's scientific proof that greasy food helps fight hangovers. Scientific here meaning anecdotal. All of those delicious looking food commercials fit perfectly with the lazy-ass narrative you're crafting for yourself. Ordering a pizza and chicken wings with the boys and watching football is a great way to start an afternoon. P.S. I've always felt that, like Jews working on Christmas, non-football fans volunteer to be the delivery guy on Sundays. Plus, because football has relatively little live-action, actual playing time, it's also a great way to go over the previous night's shenanigans.

Here's a typical scenario:  A great touchdown is scored. It was a really awesome catch. There is a great replay showing how the receiver barely got his toes down at the back of the endzone. The extra point is good.

Commercial: "Tim, pass me the hot sauce and another slice of pizza buddy"-Kyle, "Ya, here ya go, you know I bet that wench you took home last night,could crush this whole pizza as an appetizer"- Tim 

Kick-off, thirteen yard return, no flags.

Commercial: "Holy fuck Slider, why did you try to give the bouncer a Suplex last night? And why did you keep telling everyone you got a B+ in biology? That was the fucking class average dude"-Brian  "I need more Gatorade" -Slider

The football resumes. It's seamless entertainment, and the best way to spend the entire day. Previously men had this sacred refuge until roughly dinner time, the logic being that by then they had gotten over their hangover and could spend the night with the family or the girlfriend.

I wonder if the Giants covered the spread?

Then, in 1987, some beauty decided we needed Sunday night football as well. His internal conversation: "If God took a whole day off then fuck if I won't". And so it was complete. The entire day reserved football and food.

Now of course, there is always the other option, which is to drink copiously all day.

At least with a Texans' bucket we know he's not at a playoff game.

Monday only sucks if you have to work or go to school. Yours truly has had a couple semesters with Mondays off. I can assure you that watching football and drinking all day is better than a negative paternity test. The same routine plays out- friends, food, football- except that because you're drinking, it's all way fucking awesomer!

Awesomer is not a word, dip-shit.

*As for Monday Night Football, that's just the hangover cure for the NFL players who, because of work commitments, were busy Sunday, and thus whose 'Saturday' night was actually Sunday night. I've been told some of them like to party. (I'm looking at you Jeff Reed). 

Enjoy the season and drink up!

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