predrink

Go Lions!

2011-09-29T17:30:00.000-04:00

Take A Break

2011-09-29T15:47:00.000-04:00

Been on this blog too long? Give your neck some relief.

Peter Griffin

2011-09-29T15:44:00.000-04:00

Smart as fuck.

Pussycakes

2011-09-29T15:42:00.000-04:00

Some of these are messed right the fuck up.

Daddy Long Legs?

2011-09-29T15:36:00.000-04:00

German lad rants about the non-sense of the daddy long legs spider.

Corporate Condoms

2011-09-26T14:14:00.002-04:00

Halloween Idea

2011-09-24T17:51:00.000-04:00

Since Halloween is right around the corner and if you are reading this blog, according to the majority of shitty society, you are too old to go out "trick or treating"; here is an alternative.

"I grew up in a college town, and one Halloween our doorbell rang and we opened the door expecting to see trickortreater but what was in front of our open door was another door! Like, a full-on wooden door, that had a sign that said Please knock. So we did, and the door swung open to reveal a bunch of college dudes dressed as really old grandmothers, curlers in their hair, etc, who proceeded to coo over our costumes and tell us we were such cute trick or treaters! One even pinched my cheek. Then THEY gave US candy, closed their door, picked it up and walked to the next house."

Do this, of course, while drunk.

Beer Baseball

2011-09-24T14:39:00.006-04:00

What's better than sex, chicken-fried steak and playoff football? Unfortunately, nothing. This drinking game is a close second though. Beer Baseball mixes two great pre-drinking sports in Beer Pong and flip cup, adds an element of strategy and 100% guarantees drunken annhialation.

Stock your fridge with beer and follow along with these rules:

The Set Up: Arrange your cups in a reverse way of beer pong. So instead of having four cups at the back of the table, you have them at the front. Then you have 3, then 2, then 1 at the very end of the pyramid, which will be closest to the edge of the table. Do so on each side of the table.

Fill the cups with beer. Half is standard but the beauties reading this blog know three quarters is where it's at!

2 ping pong balls per team. Teams of 4. No "switch hitters" allowed.

Rock paper scissor or last person to get laid to determine who shoots first.

Teams shoot to get it in the other team's cups. Depending how drunk you are this ranges from as easy as Wilt Chamberlain dunking to as hard as raw-dogging Paris Hilton and not catching anything.

If you sink a shot in the first row of 4, that's a single. If you sink one in the second row of 3, that's a double. If you sink it in the third row of 2, that's a triple. If you land in the back cup, that there is a home motherfucking run.

You drink in the order you bat and after you drink you have to fill that cup back up with beer.

*Side Note: Kenny Fucking Powers will strike you out every time at bat, so don't play against him.

When you get a single, double, or triple, you go 'on base' which means you move towards the middle of the table, fill your cup half full (3/4) and set it at the edge of the table as if you were going to play flip cup. The other team will appoint a man to defend you by filling their own cup and lining up against you across the table. The man on base may steal whenever he wishes, which entails chugging the cup, touching the cup to the table, and flipping the cup so it lands upside down. The defender must keep an eye out for such Ricky-Hendersonesque trickery. If the stealer loses the flip cup effort to the defender, he is out.

Runs are scored in the usual baseball sense. For those of you who only follow baseball while out of your tree drunk and whilst chewing tobacco (present company included) a single brings in a run from second or third base, a triple clears the bases except for the runner/drinker left on third, and a home run brings everyone home.

Outs are recorded when you miss one of your shots or get caught stealing/lose flip cup. 3 outs per team.

The game goes 9 innings, and steroid or cocaine use is encouraged to hit jacks like Mark McGwire.

*Notice of disclaimer: This game takes a long time, sort of like a real baseball game, although not nearly as long as a Yankees Red Sox tilt. It will frustrate and isolate girlfriends and non-players. It will get really intense and friendships will be made and broken on the whims of the right clutch hit or a foolish base steal. In other words, it is fucking awesome.

Take me out to the drink game! Cheers and enjoy.

Damn Girl

2011-09-21T10:39:00.000-04:00

Wait, what? How did my balls get in your underwear?

Skewl iz Kewl

2011-09-15T12:22:00.000-04:00

Morning Motivation

2011-09-15T11:46:00.000-04:00

How bad do you want to be successful?

Whiskey Dick

2011-09-09T17:30:00.001-04:00

I feel your pain bro. CM especially feels the pain.

So True

2011-09-09T17:23:00.000-04:00

Finish Your Beer

2011-09-09T17:19:00.000-04:00

Sake Bomb

2011-09-09T17:00:00.000-04:00

The coolest part is how he makes the shot pop back out.

Drunk Talk

2011-09-09T15:57:00.000-04:00

Fight

2011-09-08T13:24:00.000-04:00

I punched this octopus so hard after I heard he called me out. It didn't go so well, he won. My finger bones and knuckles are broken.

Outrageous Fan

2011-09-08T13:03:00.000-04:00

The first time you watch this it will catch you by surprise. The second to tenth time you watch this you may want to skip to 12 seconds and watch this over and over and over again.

College Freshman Memes

2011-09-08T12:40:00.002-04:00

Here's a little Cool-lege humor to celebrate Frosh Week coming to a close and the beginning of another semester of school.

Drinking Term

2011-09-04T18:02:00.000-04:00

Beeriod: the cranky irritable feeling you get waiting for your next time to drink beer.

Eat It

2011-09-03T12:45:00.000-04:00

Omegle Troll

2011-09-03T12:28:00.000-04:00

So Much Win!

2011-09-03T12:27:00.000-04:00

Mike Litoris

2011-09-03T11:55:00.000-04:00

Maybe the coolest name on earth.

Hello Kitty

2011-09-03T11:54:00.000-04:00

"Tough" guy taking a shot with a pink Hello Kitty camera. Something gives me the impression that you are not tough.

British Animals

2011-09-03T11:24:00.000-04:00

Push to Crumble

2011-09-02T15:50:00.000-04:00

Suing Kraft for fraud. The truth is that this is lies!

Greasy Sex Terms A-Z

2011-09-02T15:47:00.000-04:00

- A -
Alaskan Pipeline - When you take a piece of shit, freeze it and stick it up someone else's ass like a frozen shit butt plug.

Ambushed Paddington - Your banging a broad and you pull out just in time only to finish all over her teddy bear.

Anal Ropeburn - When you wipe your ass too much, mainly due to the fact that you had too many shits in a short period of time.

Angry Dragon - When a girl gives you a blowjob and you cum so hard it comes out her nose

Angry Pirate - Girl is giving you blowjob but you tell her you don't want to finish her mouth (play the nice guy angle). Instead, you hold her head close as you finish in her eye (right eye preferable). As she's stumbling around like a drunken hobo, you kick her in the shins really hard. As you're running away, peek over your left shoulder. If you've done everything right, you should see an angry pirate!

Applause From The Back Row - When a man is doing a woman from behind and his balls slap her ass so fast it sounds like applause.

Arabian Goggles - 1. when you place your balls over a chick's eyes. 2. When someone places their balls over another person's eyes while they are asleep.

Austrian Rinse Cycle - taking a piss during anal sex

- B -
Backyard Jersey Sprinkler - fucking a girl in the ass and then shooting your load all over her ass and back

Baltimore Blowfish - when your eating an ass and they fart causing your cheeks to blow up like a blowfish

Bavarian Mudslide - Girl is lying on her back while propped up on her elbows slobbing your knob, and you take a dump that slides down her chest, causing skidmarks, just like in the old bavaria country

Benedict Arnold - 1. When you are banging a girl from behind and you fake orgasm by spitting on her back only to blow it in your own hand and rub it in her face when she isn't expecting it. 2. When you are sitting in a bathroom stall and a guy sitting next to you asks for a roll of toilet paper and when he reaches under, you shit in his hand.

Boston Pancake - When you shit on a girl's chest and slam it repeatedly with your balls until its flat and then cum all over it as syrup.

Boston Teabag - when you spill on a girls tits, lower your balls into the mess, and then stamp her forehead with them.

Bowling Ball - when you stick your thumb in a chick's ass and then your middle and index fingers in her vag.

Brainwash - when a guy orgasms while really far back in a girls throat

Brazilian Manflower - when a man tit-fucks a woman backwards and farts in her face

Bubble Gum Gag - Stick your bag out of your pants and tell your friends you have bubblegum on your pants. Everyone will look only to find your creepy ball sack.

- C -
Cajun Hotstick - while chewing tobacco and fucking a girl you pull out your hog, spit on it, and throw it back in her.

California Carwash - when you blow a load all over a girl's face and rub your member back and forth in it

Chicken Cutlet - while banging on the beach you pull your dick out, dip it in the sand, and put it back in her

Chili Dog - crapping between a girl's tits then using the shit as lube for a titty fuck.

Cleveland Steamer - to take a shit on one's chest.

Coney Island Whitefish - a used condom floating in the water

Creamy Renaldo - the act of cumming in a buddy's ear while he is asleep

- D -
Dirty Bagpipe - to accidentally fart during a blowjob

Dirty Cell Phone - while banging a chick from behind you stick your finger in her ass then pull it out and stick it in her ear and ask, "Can you hear me now?"

Donkey Punch - when you are doing a girl from behind, preferably in the ass, and just as you are about to cum, you punch her in the back of the head to make her "clench" up giving you an intense tight orgasm.

- F -
Filthy Arab - when you pull your unit out of a chicks ass and it is covered with crap

Flying Dutchman, The - much like the Cleveland Steamer except the person who just shit jumps and lands on the shit smearing it all over the recipient

Flying Squirrel - when you remove just you balls and stretch them apart with both hands creating a flying squirrel

Frothy Walrus - When you toss so much goo into a girl's mouth that it comes out her nose.

Fruit Basket - As you moon somebody, push your penis and balls toward their person, under your ass

- G -
Glass Bottom Boat - the act of stretching plastic wrap over someone's face and taking a dump on it

Golden Douche - the act of pissing into a girl while fucking her

Golden Enema - same as above only in the ass

- H -
Hot Air Balloon - when you suck a fart out of someone's ass

Hot Pocket - when you are fucking a chicks ass and she farts

- J -
Jelly Donut - when you splooge on a chick's face then punch her in the nose making it bleed.

Jersey Turnpike - when you stick your middle finger up someone's ass while jerking off

Jim Henson - when you are fisting someone so hard that you actually lift them off the ground making it seem like they are a puppet.

- K -
Kentucky Snow Plow - ramming a chick from behind so hard that you keep knocking her head into the headboard of the bed

Kinky Garden Hose - when a girl gives you a handjob and as your about to spill, she squeezes your dick really hard making it impossible to ejaculate

- L -
Landing Gear - this is what it's called when your balls get really tight when you are about to shoot one

- P -

Pearl Harbor - when in the middle of regular sex, you 'sneak attack' your girlfriend by sticking it up her ass without any warning

Pile Driver - fucking a hemroid ridden asshole

Pirate Eye - screaming, "Arr Matey!!" while shooting a load in a chick's eye

- R -

Rogaine Sanchez - when you smear shit all over one's bald head making it appear as though they have hair

Rusty Eyepatch - to shit in or on someone's eye

Rusty Trombone - when a girl is eating a guy's ass then gives him a reach around making it appear as though she's playing a trombone

- S -
Sleeping Bag - an uncircumcised penis.

Shallow Hal - when you have sex with a girl who is nine months pregnant

- U -
Ugly Stanley - the face a girl makes during her orgasm

- Z -
Zombie Rod - the state of your penis after a marathon sex session where the head of it is numb and no longer has feeling

Accident

2011-09-02T15:15:00.000-04:00

Nelson says it best.

Illegal Move

2011-09-02T15:00:00.000-04:00

He pulled a below the belt Mike Tyson.

The Truth Can Hurt

2011-09-02T14:55:00.000-04:00

Sneaky Bitch

2011-09-02T14:52:00.000-04:00

Epic Meal Time: Bacon Bacon Truck!

2011-09-02T12:32:00.000-04:00

Only 1 complaint, the bacon is not crispy enough.

Everyday I'm Shufflin'

2011-09-01T15:03:00.000-04:00

I don't feel your pain man.

Taking One For The Team

2011-09-01T14:53:00.000-04:00

Bro, you can't blame this one on beer goggles, you are actually legally blind.

Lame Pun

2011-09-01T14:45:00.000-04:00

Ewww Gross

2011-09-01T14:38:00.001-04:00

Jessica was always known as a "party pooper".

Racism

2011-09-01T14:33:00.000-04:00

Woah, woah, woah, you're trying to tell me that this is a coincidence?

My Vagina Ain't Handicap

2011-08-31T15:20:00.000-04:00

I really don't know what to say or think about this. I'll leave it to you to comment.

3D Dodgeball

2011-08-31T15:07:00.000-04:00

I wish this shizz was in gym class!

Lame Pun Raccoon Meme

2011-08-31T14:51:00.000-04:00

Drinking Game: Century Club

2011-08-30T13:55:00.003-04:00

We just had our 100th post! If you are reading this stop whatever it is you are doing and slam a beer or do a shot! Cheers everyone!

In respect to the 100th post it is time to explain an easy little drinking game called the Century Club. Do you want to successfully join this exclusive drinking club where thousands of people have failed? It's simple, but it sure ain't easy! DO 100 SHOTS OF BEER IN 100 MINUTES. Since a bottle of beer has about 12 ounces, it's only about 8.3333333 beers in 1 hour and 40 minutes. "A fast clip, but more than doable" you're thinking to yourself. Well man/woman up and get a group of people to do it, see how long you can last, who pukes first or who makes it till the end. How awesome would it be to say that you are a member of the CENTURY CLUB!

If you complete the Century Club successfully, print this honorable badge out and wear it around proudly looking down on everyone else who is not a member of the exclusive club. Be smug about it, they should know that you're better than them.

*Full disclosure, CM has puked (mostly beer foam a.k.a. "head" so pour them good) like a withdrawing heroin fiend every time he's attempted Century Club.

Good luck and drink up!

Playboy

2011-08-29T17:42:00.000-04:00

How to check whether your son is gay or not at an early age.

The Same 4 Chords

2011-08-29T17:36:00.000-04:00

Fack off!

Cool Jesus

2011-08-29T17:29:00.000-04:00

Who in the hell would want an ark?

Beer Pong Slam Dunks

2011-08-29T17:24:00.000-04:00

2011-08-29T17:22:00.000-04:00

You must also yell "I WON A MATH'S DEBATE!"

Huge Hit

2011-08-29T17:20:00.000-04:00

Blu-ray

2011-08-29T17:17:00.000-04:00

Now that's some literal shit right there.

McDriveby

2011-08-29T17:11:00.000-04:00

I am Ronald McDonald, and I approve of this message.

Your Child, is Now Mine.

2011-08-28T20:00:00.000-04:00

Sick stache.

Goalie Survives

2011-08-27T16:17:00.000-04:00

Pokemon

2011-08-27T16:08:00.000-04:00

That guy is definitely a child molester.

Big Mouth Man

2011-08-27T16:07:00.000-04:00

Prank: Dick Knob

2011-08-27T16:00:00.000-04:00

Here's a decent, slightly homosexual, prank that may take a little planning. If pulled off successfully, endless bragging rights are awarded and endless chirping commences as soon as your pal touches your bird.

Best Fails of 2011

2011-08-27T12:16:00.000-04:00

Blink-182 - Up All Night (Official Music Video)

2011-08-26T16:44:00.001-04:00

Been waiting a looooooong ass time for this! One of my favorite bands of all time finally has a new CD coming out on September 27th. This is the first official music video for the first release off their new album titled "Neighborhoods".

Datsyukian Magic

2011-08-26T15:50:00.000-04:00

Caution! Partial Male Nudity as Datsyuk undresses Niemi.

Many more sick shootout dangles to come.

Kid Selling Beer

2011-08-26T15:42:00.000-04:00

This is my kind of bar! Solely because of the price.

World's Strongest Beers

2011-08-26T15:12:00.000-04:00

Of all the most amazing things ever invented, beer is most definitely in our Top 3 (along with women and sports). While we’ve dabbled in beers that have hovered around 10% alcohol by volume, those brews are like sipping O’Doul’s compared the world’s strongest beers:

Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA

Brewery: Dogfish Head
Location: USA
ABV: 20%
Price: $7/Bottle (12oz)
Maybe you’ve handled Dogfish Head’s 60 minute IPA or their 90 minute version but the 120 is like stepping into the ring with Mike Tyson, and not the 80’s boxing champ Mike Tyson, the 2011 bat-shit crazy Iron Mike. A couple of Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA’s and you may wake up with a facial tattoo as well. Unlike the other beers on this list, this double IPA is a little more readily available and something you could actually get your hands on. It pours slowly due to its thickness much like a creamy stout and is surprisingly smooth for something so strong.
Turns out Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA is actually closer to 18% ABV and the brewery does offer other beers at similar levels. We apologize for the mistake! Thanks Barry

Sam Adams Utopias

Brewery: Sam Adams
Location: USA
ABV: 27%
Price: $150/Bottle
Many aficionados may debate whether many of the other beers on this list are in fact “beers” since they gain their insane alcohol levels through freeze distillation (a process where the liquid is frozen and then ice crystals are removed), well for the sticklers Sam Adams offers Utopias. Like the name suggests, this beer will leave you in paradise (if paradise is in bed with a throbbing headache). It’s much easier to over do it with the surprisingly drinkable Utopias. After aging in casks for almost a decade the taste is both sweet and oaky and, unlike a lot of the 40%+ options, not thick like old engine oil.

Sink The Bismarck

Brewery: BrewDog
Location: Scotland
ABV: 41%
Price: $100/Bottle
This quadruple IPA resembles some kind of sweet soup and was crafted as part of another brewski battle BrewDog got into. The name of the beer, an obvious reference to the sinking of the German battleship, was chosen because at the time it was produced it knocked off a German beer as the world’s strongest. A Berlin lab claims the brew only clocks in at 29% alcohol by volume however, using our basic knowledge of remedial geography, we take these reports with a grain of salt since Berlin is in fact in Germany.

Schorschbock

Brewery: Schorschbrau
Location: Germany
ABV: 43%
Price: $155/Bottle
The second Schorschbock created in the battle with BrewDog (the first being the 40% version that Sink The Bismarck, well, sank), this Eisbock boasts intense fruit notes and enough alcohol to knock Shaquille O’Neal on his ass.

End of History

Brewery: BrewDog
Location: Scotland
ABV: 55%
Price: $760/Bottle
Sure, you could start describing BrewDog’s End of History by mentioning its strong whiskey taste and subtle hints of juniper berry but that would be like starting your description of Denise Milani with her beautiful smile. The first thing you’d notice about End of History is that it’s served in a bottle tucked inside a dead animal. Yup, a roadkill koozie. Named after the work of philosopher Francis Fukuyama, End of History held the title of world’s strongest beer for one week.

Start the Future

Brewery: ‘t Koelschip
Location: Holland
ABV: 60%
Price: $45/Bottle
Currently the world’s strongest beer after taking the title from the aforementioned End of History, Start the Future not surprisingly has to be sipped cautiously – at 120 proof it may burn off your larynx. You’re talking absinthe levels here. While never confirmed, rumors have swirled that ‘t Koelschip added whiskey to this jet engine fuel to take the title away from BrewDog.

Gold at the End of the Rainbow

2011-08-26T15:07:00.000-04:00

It's a puzzle, the "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow is actually BEER! Same colour.

The New Planking

2011-08-26T14:36:00.000-04:00

No, it's not coning.

Chris Farley

2011-08-26T14:30:00.000-04:00

I Seen A Leprechaun

2011-08-26T02:09:00.000-04:00

You know what lady? You, actually said something relatively intelligent. I agree, it "cud hav b'n a crack heead dat got ahold of da rong stuff". Also, I think your whole town is on crack and everyone is smoking the wrong stuff. Stick to booze!
"I w'nna no wher da gold at."
"Who els seen da leprkan say yeah; YAAAA!"
"Dis her is a special leprkan flute."
P.S. - The amateur sketch couldn't be more accurate.

3 Slams, 1 Game

2011-08-26T01:44:00.000-04:00

Scumbag Steve Meme

2011-08-25T18:39:00.000-04:00

Everyone knows someone like this.

Homeless James Bond

2011-08-25T17:39:00.000-04:00

The best James Bond I've seen. Golden Eye for N64 was sick!

Let Me Help

2011-08-25T16:44:00.002-04:00

That's a brown card.

People Are Awesome

2011-08-25T12:36:00.000-04:00

Some of the sickest shit you have ever seen in your life!

People are awesome, well some are. This blog is awesome! And if you are here, YOU are AWESOME!

Drinking Game: Drag Racing

2011-08-25T12:28:00.000-04:00

Simple, quick, funny, and gets you pickled.

The object of this game is to slurp up your drink and finish your side of the ice cube tray before your opponent.

1. Get an ice cube tray. You can get a standard one which most people already have.

Or you can do it the predrink way. Shop for a beauty of an ice cube tray with more slots to get you drunker quicker or add more players than 2.

2. Make a mixed drink, preferably a non-carbonated bevy and disperse it in all the slots filling them up.

3. Get enough straws for all the players.

4. Start your engines (insert straw into beginning cube), have someone countdown, hit the gas (start sucking up your drink; moving from one cube to the next).

The person to finish all the liquid in all of their cubes is crowned the champ. Rinse and repeat until everyone is pickled.

The Best of 90's Rock

2011-08-24T16:02:00.003-04:00

Got to love 90's rock sometimes while drinking with buddies. When you hear some of these songs I'm sure you'll have some good stories that come to mind. Even if you don't recognize the name of some of these bands or songs, you'll still know them and might be able to sing along to every word. Get drunk, laugh at the music videos, share some memories, crank the volume and sing along loud as fuck!

1999:
1. “My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit
2. “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind
3. “Scar Tissue” by Red Hot Chili Peppers
4. “The Chemicals Between Us” by Bush
5. “Heavy” by Collective Soul

1998:
1. “Inside Out” by Eve 6
2. “The Way” by Fastball
3. “Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground
4. “Shimmer” by Fuel
5. “Closing Time” by Semisonic

1997:
1. “Bitter Sweet Symphony” by The Verve
2. “Push” by Matchbox Twenty
3. “Everlong” by Foo Fighters
4. “The Freshman” by The Verve Pipe
5. “Everything to Everyone” by Everclear

1996:
1. “1979″ by Smashing Pumpkins
2. “One Headlight” by The Wallflowers
3. “Counting Blue Cars” by Dishwalla
4. “What I Got” by Sublime
5. “In the Meantime” by Spacehog

1995:
1. “Lightning Crashes” by Live
2. “Wonderwall” by Oasis
3. “Glycerine” by Bush
4. “Name” by Goo Goo Dolls
5. “Good” by Better Than Ezra

1994:
1. “When I Come Around” by Green Day
2. “Shine” by Collective Soul
3. “I Alone” by Live
4. “Self Esteem” by The Offspring
5. “About a Girl” by Nirvana

1993:
1. “Rooster” by Alice in Chains
2. “Mr. Jones” by Counting Crows
3. “Hey Jealousy” by Gin Blossoms
4. “No Rain” by Blind Melon
5. “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine

1992:
1. “Jeremy” by Pearl Jam
2. “In Bloom” by Nirvana
3. “Drive” by R.E.M.
4. “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica
5. “Creep” by Radiohead

1991:
1. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana
2. “Man in the Box” by Alice in Chains
3. “Enter Sandman” by Metallica
4. “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M.
5. “Right Here, Right Now” by Jesus Jones

1990:
1. “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog
2. “Kool Thing” by Sonic Youth
3. “Head Like A Hole” by Nine Inch Nails
4. “Stop!” by Jane’s Addicton
5. “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC

Got some more beauties you want to share? Post the link in the comments section.

Dirty Sanchez

2011-08-24T14:39:00.001-04:00

The ONLY Set of Beer Pong Rules You Will Ever Need

2011-08-24T14:35:00.002-04:00

Beer Pong has become the most played drinking game across North America. It's competitive, fun, requires skill, gets you drunk, gets the party started and gets you pumped up! There are many types of rules and a bunch of technicalities for the WSOBP (World Series of Beer Pong) but for the most part it's a party game so you don't need all the douchey long-ass rules in a list hanging up on your wall. Here are ALL the rules you need to make the game legit and fun.

*NOTE: The game is mostly played while listening to sick tunes and in the presence of hot chicks to cheer you on and massage your throwing arm.

1. Rack 10 cups (Solo beer cups) to form a triangle at each end of an 8ft table. "Re-racks" are done when there are 6 and 3 cups. If your opponent doesn't say re-rack then fuck 'em, don't do it until they tell you. There are usually 2 beers dispersed between the 10 cups; 1 beer/player/game. Go for more if you're hardcore or plan on only playing a few games. There also needs to be 2 cups off to the side of the table filled with water to rinse the grit and grime off the balls if they land on the floor.

2. You can determine what team starts whichever way you choose; rock, paper, scissors (always best 2/3), whoever chugs a beer the fastest, play 2 man flip cup (official rules for Flip Cup to be posted soon) or the Beer Pong way. A player from each team gazing deep into each others eyes and shooting at each others cups trying to make the shot. If neither of you make it then pass the ball to your teammate and repeat until someone sinks a ball. The beer is not drank, however, whatever team sank the shot goes first. If each team sinks the ball at the same time keep going until only one team makes the shot.

3. There are two ping pong balls used (preferably white, not a racist joke but something about those orange ones you just can't trust) and each player on the team (team of 2) gets to shoot. Players alternate drinking and shooting. If they each make a shot then they get the balls back; this is called "rollback". If they sink it in the same cup it only counts as 1 cup and the other team shoots. This rule is highly debated, I just think it's idiotic when people play that when 2 balls land in 1 cup the game is automatically won and done.

4. If you miss the table and cups completely, you lose your shot. If your shot hits the cups and bounces back to you, you get one free behind-the-back shot. This shot usually results in Hellen Keller-type effort, but the one in a thousand times it goes in it really gets a party fired up.

5. Opponents are allowed to distract the other team but may not create wind to alter the path of the shot or cross their end of the table (ie; wave hands over the cups). You are allowed to blow the ball out of the cup when it's being "rimmed" or giving a rim job, no pun intended; when the ball is spinning around the cup and has not touched the beer.

6. You can swat or grab the ball when it has been bounced. If a shot is made by bouncing you remove an extra cup. If it bounces 2 times then remove 3 cups, and so on. If you bounce it 4 or more times you are either an amazing human being or you're playing against people with T-Rex arms, in which case you should win anyways.

7. If you knock over cups then replace them and fill the cup with more beer than normal. You will also be chirped throughout the night at random times for 'alcohol abuse' and receive other harsh lashings.

8. No player may get personally offended at all the beaking (a.k.a. chirping) being done during the game. It's like hockey, you say the nastiest shit during the game but shake hands and remain pals afterwards.

9. After a team sinks the last ball in their opponents' last cup, the opposing team gets a chance to shoot again and rule #3 applies (keep going until someone misses). If the game magically ends in a tie set up a 3 cup triangle and go into overtime. Repeat this until there is a winner.

10. You may choose what you want to do with the remaining beer at the end of the game. Dish out the drinks to anyone at the party or give them to your opponent. The more sensible thing would be to drink them yourselves, of course.

11. Print and post these rules in your house so there are no discrepancies. Since it's your house, you play by your rules,,,,,,,,these rules!

Enjoy and drink up!

Dating Tips For Guys

2011-08-23T13:36:00.010-04:00

Just some ways you can show your special someone you're a real man:

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. When she says that she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. If, I mean when, she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time later in the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Also, tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny!

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When your g/f looks at you, stare into her eyes, mouth the words 'fuck you,' and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can...now go make a sandwich"

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold... but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No, she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

21. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

22. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

23. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.

Every "That's What She Said" from The Office, Ever!

2011-08-23T13:31:00.002-04:00

Balls

2011-08-23T13:26:00.000-04:00

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

More like... the smaller the balls you play with, the manlier you are and the more money you make. Fuck-tard.

Body Puppets

2011-08-23T13:17:00.000-04:00

Butts

2011-08-23T11:09:00.000-04:00

Sad Sexual Susie

2011-08-23T10:54:00.001-04:00

Sick Beer Pong Tables

2011-08-23T10:45:00.002-04:00

33) Beach Beer Pong Table

So the table surface kind of sucks, but the idea to dig a huge trench is the sand is really awesome, so this made the list. Great if you enjoy sandy beer and shirtless dudes.
32) Baltimore Beer Pong Table

This table features a massive Marylandflag with holes to fit 2 games of six-cup and 1 game of ten-cup. Table also comes with Ravens logos and a stick figure man that is running with a football.
31) Superman vs. Batman Table

Clarke Kent or Bruce Wayne? Dark Knight or Man of Steel? You make the call on this table. Feel free to act like a nerd if on the Superman side, and a snobby rich guy if on the Batman side.

30) Snow Beer Pong Table

When life hands you snow make snow beer pong tables! This table feature embedded cup holders that keep your beer nice and cold while you play. Just don’t use yellow snow when making your own.
29) NES Controller Table

Four buttons of glory! This table is a throwback to the NES days, up up down down left right left right b a b a select start anyone?

28) Bud Light Beer Pong Table

This table features hundreds of Budweiser bottle caps to create a Bud Light Logo in the center and spell out Bud Light on the sides. This is more than king of beer, more like the king pong tables. Someone rrreally loves Bud Light. Gross.
27) Surfboard Beer Pong Table

Next time that you are on the beach and without a table, do what these guys did and append some legs on a spare surfboard and play surf pong.
26) Homer Simpson Nike Table

This table features Homer drooling over a beer, and a Nike Swoosh that states “Just Do Her”. I wonder how many people have screamed “D’oh!” after they missed.
25) Ninja vs. Pirates Table

Who will win? You have to play to find out! Ninja is swinging a katana, while the Pirate and his pegleg are about ready to swing his sword.
24) Beer Cap Pour Table

This table uses hundreds of beer caps to create a mosaic of a beer pouring into a beer mug, surrounded by a patterned frame.
23) Lakers Hardwood Table

Made by an obvious Lakers Fan, this table is a glistening example of a beer-sketball court, one that looks like it was freshly waxed. Kobe!
22) Aqua Teen Hunger Force Beer Pong Table

This table features the Plutonians (and dr. Weird) vs. the Mooninites (and Carl) and the main characters from the Adult Swim TV show: Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
21) Guitar Table

This table rocks! Har har. The table is shaped like two guitars that are connected in the center, and are propped up by storage bins, how classy!
20) Nightmare Before Christmas Table

This Tim Burton Inspired Table features glowing graphics that depict the cult classic: Nightmare Before Christmas.
19) Floating Beer Pong Table

Unlike other tables we have seen, this beer pong table looks quite study and it looks like you could actually bounce. Now no cannonballs while game is in play!
18) Patriots Beer Pong Table

This is a masterful work of art that features a full football field, the Pats logo, and even goalposts! Plus you can’t lose on it, just like the real Pats!
17) URI Hanging Beer Pong Table

This University of Rhode Island bouncable beer pong table hangs down from the ceiling when in use, making for a super space saving table. And look, the “U” in “URI” is even made to look like a cup!
16) Beer Bottle & Cap Table

This unique table features a large slab of glass that is supported only by beer bottles. The table consists of an outer ring of bottles that support the frame of the glass, with supporting bottles that spell out “ECU” in the center. The inner floor of the table also features patterned bottle caps.
15) Crossroads Beer Pong Table

This table gets bonus points for the presentation, not only is the table perfectly painted, but uses flags, multi-colored cups and stacks of cans to accentuate it. Now just look before you throw.
14) Separated Hanging Table

This table may not be a table per say, rather a minimalist apparatus that allows you to play beer pong. These two boards drop from the ceiling and do not take up much space at all, now don’t walk though when others are shooting!
13) TV Bottle Cap Table

Not one, not two, but three TV’s along with some tasteful bottle cap designs are built into this beer pong table. We bet this monster has negatively affected some GPA’s in its career.
12) NES Beer Pong Table

This table is 8 bits of pure joy. Highlights include Little Mac doing a funnel from MegaMan, Link getting in a barfight, Donkey Kong battling Samus Aran and much much more. This is really more art than it is table.
11) Massive Triangle Table

This table allows for serious party animals to play beer pong with 153 cups per side. Yikes, at least the first 50 or so throws should be easy.
10) Corona LCD TV Table

Not your turn to shoot? No problem, this table features an LCD panel in the middle for your entertainment. Also surface is made of Plexiglas that overlooks a hundred or so Corona bottles that filled with Highlighters to glow under backlights.
9) Tennis Ball Table

This tennis freak made a table that features 4 different sections with about 75 tennis balls in each. Also included, a rope light under Plexiglas and probably a few broken strings somewhere.
Nebraska Hockey Table

This table features the usual bottle cap center, but also features about 75 broken hockey sticks for support. Can’t find a badder material than that.
7) Skull Blacklight Table

This table looks like a Faces of Death themed rave. This is really a pretty gnarly skull, and the boney finger looks like it is cursing the opposing team.
6) Sod Beer Pong Table

A for creativity. This golf themed table features real sod, a cart sign and of course spots for beer pong cups. Only negative, you may have to water this table.
5) Neon Ladies Table

This table features wood, Plexiglas and neon lights to create a one-of-a-kind playing surface. Not to mention the shapely ladies in the middle, what a table.
4) Aluminum Beer Pong Table

Made from nothing but aluminum, this table features a skeleton of a frame, cup holder on both sides, and a flat surface in the middle for bouncing. A very artsy take on the traditional beer pong table.
3) Foosball Beer Pong Table

The best of both worlds! Now you can get your foos on when waiting for your turn at beer pong. Even comes with Plexiglas top so you can bounce and not worry about raining beer down on the foosball men.
2) Fire Beer Pong Table

Beer + Drinking Game + Table + Fire = Bad Idea. This on fire beer pong table features colorful players, and a big ol honkin fire pit right in the middle. We are guessing that you just need a lot of arc to make it?
1) Eight Person Beer Pong Table

This Michigan State themed beer beer pong table allows for up to eight people to play beer pong at once. How? No idea, but it sure looks rad.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Drinkers

2011-08-22T15:48:00.003-04:00

Bookstores are full of self-help books, and the web is replete with various tips, advice, and lists for improving one's life. Google 'ways to lose weight' or 'how can I tell if my relationship is working' and pray that you're operating a Pentium 4 or better. Despite the fact the first thing anyone should do to help themselves is never fucking buy a self-help book, the irony seems lost on the massive masses.

I read on the internet that I can eat anything I want as long as it's not seafood!

All of these lists, tools, questionnaires, advice, and tips are designed to improve your emotional, spiritual, mental, or physical health. This list will promote none of those things if one applies a strict constriction of their meaning.

This baby's chi is intact. He is one with the universe. He is heading for foster care.

This list will however allow you to get drunk as often as possible, with as few consequences as possible. If that's not wellbeing and success, I'd prefer failure.

7. They eat fruits and vegetables on occasion.

Nobody ever downs 6 tall cans of Old Milwaukee and starts thinking of that head of cauliflower in the fridge. I've yet to see a late night veggie stand nestled between the burrito and pizza shacks in any downtown bar district.

I wish this were bell peppers and chives. Also, that I got the respect here that I do in Germany.

Nevertheless, as fun as it is, drinking takes its toll on the body and nutrients are key. To avoid looking like shit all the time, make sure you get some in your diet at least once a week. Remember, that hangover will do enough damage to your appearance. Taper it with some vitamin alphabet. If you eat somewhat well, you'll look and feel much better. And most importantly, you'll be able to go out and giver again!

6. They pick their class schedule wisely.

What would seem like a no brainer is surprisingly lost on every dumb fuck who tells himself that 8:30 lab 'won't be too bad'. Class is a place to be distracted by facebook, fantasy football and predrink.blogspot.com, not by that pounding headache and your stomach's re-enactment of the civil war. Some people don't have the option, their program requires certain courses that are only offered early in the morning on Friday or Monday (see Football gives back). The solution is simple, switch programs.

Modern antiquity!

Build your schedule around your school's party nights. Schedule Thursday mornings free if you know that Wednesday night is $2 Jagerbombs, as Thursday morning is recovery time. The three day weekend is also a thing of beauty. Take Fridays off as much as you can.

I need to get out of last night's clothes. Also, I wonder how early the clinic opens.

If you're concerned that you can't transfer any further down from 'Communications' without going straight back to high school, you can always skip early classes, get the notes off someone else, plagiarize assignments, cheat on tests, or drop out.

5. They get their puking phase out of their system relatively early.

Accomplished largely through sheer practice, learning to hold your liquor is essential to any drinking career. People who are hammered are hilarious. People who puke are a messy fucking nuisance.

Superman's a lush.

Broadly defined, the puking stage is the high school years with sporadic relapses throughout college. The social acceptability of puking works on a sliding scale as the number of credits needed for graduation declines. Freshman year puking is a time-honoured right of passage. Senior year puking is hilarious if done at culturally-condoned events like St. Patrick's Day, New Year's Eve, or weekends. Puking at 25 years of age should be reserved for eating bad seafood or listening to Celine Dion. The couthness- that's right- of being thrown in the drunk tank mirrors these same guidelines.

You have 4 years -or more if you're Nolander- to learn that Tequila after MGD fucks you up, or that McDonald's after Guinness will have you pulling trigger in the nearest flower bed. On the plus side, even exceeding your limits is hella fun for 3/4 of the night.

The gods have forsaken me, I have puke in all twenty sandal straps and my mouth will taste like vomit for days since we don't have toothbrushes, but the predrink was fun!

4. They quickly get out of their drunktalk commitments.

Drunktalk is a catchall phrase for things that you say drunk that you either don't mean or would never say sober. One particularly insidious form of drunktalk is 'the commitment'. This is a vow to attend some event or take part in some activity. While the intent at the time is perfectly legitimate, any rational observer could spot the unlikeliness of following through on those plans.

Bro, we'll totally go fucking sky-diving next week bro. Bro!

These false or regrettable commitments come in three main types:

1. Things you'd rather not do but you don't want to look like a jack-ass and back out because that would reveal that your camaraderie was an insincere alcohol-induced sham. This would involve things like going to a party across town where you'll barely know anyone or agreeing to play golf with your girlfriend's teenaged cousin.

Judging by the song, it's someone named Brian's birthday. Could also be Ryan. Damn drunktalk.

If you can get out of this commitment early, then do so. Early is the key here: a valid- or at least plausible - excuse delivered sometime before lunch the morning after the drunktalk and you can get out of this commitment without losing face. If not, it's no big deal, because what you have to endure is pretty mild in the grand scheme of life.

Why did I agree to help Todd put a new 'system' in his Civic?

2. Things you can't actually do. If you'll be out of the country, gone to a wedding or suffering through a herpes outbreak, there are certain promises that you actually can not keep. These are tricky because you're going to have to get out of your drunktalk one way or another. Using the real reason is honest and effective. It also reveals the fact that you were shittered out of your tree to have forgotten about something that a teetotaler would never have let slip his mind. This casts a shroud of suspicion on everything you said that night.

You said that was NOT unattractive.

Like HIV, the best treatment for these drunktalks is prevention in the first place. However, since you have no choice, you either start working on a palatable excuse early on, or you come clean that you were three sheets to the wind on a plan that's a day late and a buck short.

3. Things you agree to that are such obvious bullshit that no-one expects anyone involved to follow through. No worries here. As a matter of fact, delivered as they are with such gusto and resolve these promises are some of the funniest to mock the next day. Often made when liquor is involved, these solemn vows are often sealed with a hug or handshake. Typical examples include making breakfast the next day, going to the beach in 100 degree weather, taking the next flight at 3am to Japan, or getting matching tattoos. The promisor will often not remember this pledge, and will often need a subtle prompting- or merciless mockery- to jar their hangover-addled minds. 99% of people will laugh off and dismiss promises made in this state. However, it has been used by unscrupulous girlfriends to extract untold commitments from poor dupes.

You get my drift.

Avoid drunktalk. Get out of drunktalk early. Avoid drunktalk.

3. They can generally appreciate when they're truly shit-faced.

This is huge. Everyone has been an idiot while drunk at one point or another.

Some made a decade out of it.

What separates the successful drinker from the emergency room regular is knowing when you're truly shit-faced and the inherent shortcomings of that state of mind. It's one thing to be pretty sure you can surf a shopping cart down a hill, it's another to go ahead and do it despite your friends' emphatic protestation. It's not really about what you think, because being hammered changes the way you think. 12 Natty Ice, 7 Bacardi bombs and 2 shots of Cuervo will make that towering juice monkey bouncer guarding the club's door look like Tiny Tim.

Can I see some ID?

It doesn't mean that in the real world, the one the bouncer lives in, he won't mop the floor with your staggering mouthpiece-ass. It really comes down to listening to your friends. If a majority of them are also super greased and STILL think what you're about to do it a bad idea, listen to them. You'll seldom regret the 3am phone call to your ex that you didn't make.

2. They wear condoms. Every time. Most of the time.

Yep.

1. They spend their sober time efficiently.

Without a doubt the most important attribute of a successful drinker is that they spend their sober time productively. If you forget to pay your gas bill or study for your exam, then yeah, maybe drinking isn't for you. Thoroughbred beauties know it's all about balance. The only difference between spending hours on G-chat while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer dvd's and having a mint time at the bar is that one makes you a lonely gay troll and the other makes you a normal human who has friends and fun. People love to look down on 'party-animals' and make lots of assumptions about how smart they are or what kind of person they must be.

"No I can't go out, I have real things to do. I can't WASTE my time drinking"-dripping with smug.

"Fuck you bitch, we just aced our MCATs!"-unlikely.

The truth is, unless you know somebody, you can't just assume that because they like to throw back some coldies that they're degenerates (although to be fair, it's not like the two are mutually exclusive either). It's all about how you spend the time you're not drinking. You may not have drank last Friday, but to claim you were "working on some shit for school" is easily disproven with one quick look at your internet history- by the way, "furries fetish" is downright gross you sick fuck! So in response to all the haters, remember, as long as you do what you need to get done and still do as well as them, it's those preens that are missing out. What you can do with one arm-or half your brain- tied behind your back takes those sanctimonious dinks' full effort. The successful drinker sees the irony of their mockery and knocks it back with a splash of salt and a lemon wedge.

Get lots done, get lots drunk!

Assuming your fridge is currently flush with beer, you're now fully equipped to drink like a champ.

Enjoy!

Lost iPod, Reward

2011-08-22T12:38:00.001-04:00

"One upping" every reward ad I see form now on. Genius idea.

How To: Make Your Own Kegerator

2011-08-22T12:20:00.001-04:00

A dorm luxury. Tell your parents you need a mini-fridge for your dorm/room so no one steals your food when they're starving after the bar at 3am, so you can get it for free, or go pick up all the gear with your hungover buddies. Everyone would come to your place all the time to drink, don't forget to charge those mooch's.

KEGERATOR!

If you have found easier instructions elsewhere please share them.

Here's a video too. They're not the same but it gives you a better visual of what you should be doing.

Prank: Telemarketer

2011-08-21T16:12:00.000-04:00

Eat it you damn telemarketers!

Joke: Stoned Dad

2011-08-21T15:58:00.000-04:00

I took my dad to the mall…

Is It Too Soon?

2011-08-21T15:48:00.000-04:00

Nahhh, it's not too soon. That shit's funny!
I'm not a bad person, I just have a good sense of humor.

Simpsons VS The Hangover

2011-08-21T13:13:00.001-04:00

They're the same!
*click image to make larger, then click again to zoom.

Steal ideas, make sick movie. Simple.

Pool Table

2011-08-21T12:26:00.000-04:00

Most ballin' pool table.

Beer Pong Trick Shots

2011-08-19T14:02:00.000-04:00

Practice makes perfect. I bet I'd still destroy them at the real game.

Craigslist Ad

2011-08-19T13:46:00.000-04:00

$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.

Date: 2011-08-18, 3:39PM PDT
Reply to: hous-ughzv-2549849730@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday's with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.

cats are OK - purrr
dogs are OK - wooof
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Tattoo Thong Babe

2011-08-19T13:40:00.000-04:00

Summer Anthem?

2011-08-18T15:23:00.001-04:00

This has to be the summers biggest hit. Great party song even though this style of music is not my preference.

"Everyday I'm stumblin" is predrink's remix because we party hard daily and stumble around bombed.

"Go The Fuck To Sleep"

2011-08-17T13:51:00.000-04:00

This book will be passed down in my family for many generations.

CLICK HERE to listen to Samuel L. Fuckin' Jackson narrate the book.

Banned Guiness Commercial

2011-08-17T13:43:00.000-04:00

That Guiness wouldn't be balancing that well if I was behind her.

Rodney Mullen

2011-08-17T13:33:00.000-04:00

The greatest flat ground skater of all time.

Ransack!!!

2011-08-16T15:44:00.005-04:00

A campus dorm classic, the ransack is a practical joke that ranges from relatively harmless to absolutely devastating. Ransacks have a tendency to start off minor, like putting the wrong things in the salt shaker or sugar container.

Marco Polo weighed 98 pounds at death.

This harmless bit of fun will naturally prompt a response. But, you don't want to get even, you want to teach them a lesson for messing with you.

That fucking mosquito has been bugging me for days. Gotcha bitch!

So invariably you will set out to avenge your honour and the $0.37 you lost. You'll start to think about some things you could do that will get your point across while still being all in good fun. Certain examples in this initial retaliatory phase include putting oil or peanut butter on door handles or using toothbrushes for toilet cleaning. Importing leaves, branches, bird nests and pond water to an indoor bedroom or living room is strongly encouraged.

Ignorance IS bliss.

There are a few problems with this first retaliation. The first is that some retaliations are so subtle that although you got your pound of flesh, the recipient may not have even known. Does that blonde taste the shit particles on her toothbrush? Maybe, maybe not. Plus, little things like peanut butter on a handle or opening a door to walk into a cling wrap sheet covered in Vasoline are only funny if you can watch it happen in real time- by the way, what the fuck is fake time? The second, more pressing concern is that by now both parties to the tiff will have realized the endless possibilities for fun that this could entail. Since neither side wants to be seen as backing down, and because the increasing brazenness will require some liquid courage, you're well on your way to a semester, year, or undergraduate-degree-long battle of wits, guts, and stupidity.

I know it was you who hid gay porn under my mattress knowing my parents were helping me move that weekend.

This brings us to three levels of ransack escalation, culminating in expulsion from the dorm, criminal charges, life-long grudges, and some of the straight-up funniest shit you'll ever see. The categories can be helpfully classified as That Little Shit, Alright, if That's How He Wants To Play It. and, Oh Fuck No He Did Not/Nuclear. I have personally inflicted, suffered, or observed most of the following. Incidentally, the third stage is sort of like the urban legend that med students give themselves an IV drip to avoid a hangover: Everyone has heard of it happening but nobody has seen it.

1. That Little Shit!

It's still pretty friendly at this point. Almost everyone who observes the damage or hears the stories will still think it's funny and not out of line. We're talking throwing their clothes all over the room, rolling deoderant all over their posters, placing chunks of tuna fish behind/in their vents, putting crushed garlic in the fingers of their hockey gloves, toilet papering their car, putting a sausage under their car seat, or letting the air out of their bike tires.

It says new car smell, but I'll be damned if I don't detect a hint of honey garlic.

*IMPORTANT NOTE. A popular variation on ransacking a bedroom involves meticulously placing everything in the room either backwards or upside down. I've never understood this approach: it's just as much work for the ransacker as the ransackee. Sort of defeats the whole purpose, no?

2. Alright, If That's How He Wants to Play It

Think of this stage like college sports, not everyone will be a pro, but you've started to weed out the less serious participants. The faint of heart will already start to drop out at this stage. All of a sudden, you'll start to hear pussies talking about 'going too far' and a 'line' that was crossed. Ignore these ignoramuses. This stage is the first to feature non-trivial property damage. It also offers the truly sick twisted minds to begin to get creative with their skills. Physical injuries are not uncommon, although they remain minor and should not require medical attention as long as your blood alcohol content doesn't dip dangerously low.

This stage will feature hiding dead mice in spaghetti sauce, emptying Yankee Stadium-sized ketchup dispensers in common rooms, placing a bag of pucks at the top of a door, tying a passed-out dude's shoelaces together, and any variation on getting someone to eat Ex-lax.

This stage also features leaners, the practice of filling a bucket or garbage pale with water - or stale keg beer or piss, depending on your relative sadism- leaning it against a door, knocking, walking away, and having the pale's contents empty into the room when the unsuspecting dupe opens the door.

Why are my feet wet?

3. Oh No He Fucking Didn't/Nuclear

This stage really separates the men from the boys, sane from deranged, competitive from blood-thirsty. We're talking some crazy shit here. These are pranks like typing up personalized fake STD warnings on state health department letter-head, sleeping with an enemy's family member, propping their fridge door open, pissing in their ice tray, jizzing in their shampoo, putting their pillows in the shower then the freezer, hiding drugs on them knowing they'll be flying internationally, putting fiber glass in with their delicates in the dryer (disintegrates and gets really itchy), poking holes in their condoms, ordering a cholera-infested handkerchief or attempting murder. Be absolutely prepared to fist-fight or worse if you go these extremes. Be prepared also for legal consequences and loss of friends.

*Not advised for anyone to go to stage three.

Remember, like a Mexican cartel turf war, these things have a tendency to escalate quickly. Keep some perspective, ransack in moderation, avoid grievous personal injury or grand theft or property damage, drink up, and enjoy.

LET THE RANSACKS BEGIN!

Got a great ransack story? Let's hear about it.

Newer Hit

2011-08-16T14:08:00.001-04:00

Battle of the best greasy songs. "Smell My Skanky Pussy" VS. "Smell Yo Dick". This one has more YouTube views and seems to have a little more money put into the video production.

Unfortunately, the content is only available for embedding in the US; bullshit. BUT THAT WON'T STOP ME! So just click below, watch, enjoy the soon to be hit and comment here, since the gangsta can dish it but can't take it (she disabled comments on her YouTube video).

WATCH HERE!

New Hit

2011-08-16T11:47:00.000-04:00

Now, I know we haven't put up many songs yet. However, I sense this song is headed straight to the top of the charts. I wanted to be the first to share it so when everyone asks "Where did you find out about this gem?" you can tell them "It's from the best blog in the world, predrink.blogspot.com!"

I wouldn't smell that "skanky and slutty vagina" with CM's nose.

Watchout For Ninjas

2011-08-15T15:40:00.002-04:00

Joke's on him. That was a roofie-colada.

Sk8'r Babe

2011-08-15T15:09:00.001-04:00

Not only is she hot. She can grind on air!